Furiously Bri

I’ve felt a lot of grief lately. Having memories come up where I remember feeling so worthless and being told I’m hopeless, stupid, I was stood by out of pity, and I ended up being too much.

Can you imagine that being your inner voice for the majority of your life and then being in multiple environments that treat you otherwise? It’s a constant internal battle. I feel lost during times that I feel good about myself because it somehow feels wrong. I have days where feeling confident feels right and I have a great day because of it, but the second it feels too good, I feel a shame fall over me and I have to go back to being modest because I can’t let people think I’m too much, annoying, or somehow make them think I’m better than them when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I have to work so hard to understand things and be on track with other people that learn. I have to ask more questions. I have to take more notes. I have to have people who are patient with me because I sometimes feel frozen and just don’t want to end up doing something wrong and I sometimes need help over that hurdle.

It’s not because I’m not worthy or because I’m too much. It’s because I’m different. I am okay with being different, but a lot of others aren’t okay with it and would rather see me struggle because they think their way is the right way, than to just let me fucking live. If I ask for help, and you can help, just help me. I don’t ask for much. I just ask sometimes for an ear. Sometimes I ask for physical help that shouldn’t take more than a couple hours out of your day. I sometimes am just really lonely and want to hang out with someone.

There’s so much anger, sadness, and loneliness that comes with realizing the mindset I had to be around for years among various people. People I’ve lived with. People I’ve worked for. People I’ve dated. Being around healthy minded people is a lot more triggering than one would think.

I don’t have a resolution to this post, just a realization that it’s okay to feel this way and to acknowledge it, even if there’s no clear answer to healing from it right now.

How do you handle grief?