Furiously Bri

Content Warning: speaking about trichotillomania and seasonal depression. If you are in a headspace that this may cause you to relapse, please do not read this post.

Sometimes being real means talking about the less jolly parts of holidays. If you know me, you know by now that I have trichotillomania, a disorder that causes me to pull out my hair. I’ve been doing this for 14 years. I had two months of recovery in October, but now I’m in a relapse. I’ve ordered tweezers three times in two weeks to pull from my scalp because I’m deeply stressed and a bit depressed. Life has been pretty chaotic and it’s been hard to force myself to use the tools I need to use to make myself feel better. OCD has been kicking my ass, making me isolate myself because if I don’t, then I’ll either open up to the wrong person and feel worse about myself because of ignorance or gossip, or I’ll open up the wrong way and be too much for someone because I’ll be deemed as dramatic. Holidays have been hard for me for a while, but deployments during holidays add a layer of loneliness only those with minimal local support systems will understand. I am completely bald on the top of my head and I wish I could just laser it all off so I don’t have to pull anymore. But, knowing myself, I know I’d end up pulling somewhere else or finding some other unhealthy way of coping. If it wasn’t Christmas, I probably would have also emotionally ate by ordering Dunkin. The one thing I’ve been consistent on at the very least is staying sober, because I know if I drink ever again, it will send my mental health into a spiral I’m not sure I can come back from.

I’m not writing all of this to be a bummer on the holidays. I’m writing all this to make sure people know and understand that they need to check in on their loved ones during the holidays, especially when they’re isolated. Thee feelings are real and deep for people this time of year. Winter already makes mental health difficult because it gets darker earlier and that heavily impacts one’s mental health. Try to notice signs of them isolating themselves as well. Don’t let someone suffer in silence alone; you don’t even have to talk. Sometimes all it takes is coming over, sitting on the couch, and watching TV, saying nothing, but leaving the air open to show someone is there, listening, if a dialogue presents itself.

If you are struggling this year, know in the most genuine way that you are not alone. Sometimes, the holidays really suck. Maybe next year I’ll think differently, but this year, I sit, grumpy on the couch in solidarity with you. I have a friend coming over for a low energy Christmas and then I’ll be doing gentle self care while watching TV and waiting for the day to end. Sometimes that’s all you can do, and that’s okay.