Furiously Bri

One of the hardest things in retraining my mind through therapy is accepting new routines. I’ve always struggled with routine changes, whether as big as moving to a new state or the petty things like a new piece of furniture in my room that throws the entire vibe off. Now, I’m struggling to accept the difference in how relationships work. Boundaries, leaving people attached to certain behaviors and values behind, and dealing with the emotions attached to those I need space from.

Sometimes, this feeling is hard because when it is an ex, you had several days, months, or years learning how to be intimate with that person in numerous ways. When the relationship ends, or you need to get away, it feels so hard to detach yourself and not think about them because that energy has been expended for that time. When it’s familial, it’s even harder because it’s someone you feel you knew your entire life or that someone should have known you for your entire life. In either case, when the eyes open, the feelings and memories confuse you because you have these good and bad memories. You realize you need distance, but you immediately miss them. or feel a type of pain internally because you feel a hole where trust should be.

Personally, I need a fresh start from everyone. I’ve contemplated deleting social media for a long time and starting new accounts, following only people I am close to or feel mutual respect with, and now I have decided to do it at the end of the year. This will remove all kinds of people who have made me feel little to no connection and allow me to follow accounts and pages that resonate with who I am now rather than having to clean out pages and accounts that are no longer relatable or active from over a decade ago.

One of the things that led to this potential decision is that I am a conditioned people-pleaser. I worry about other people’s feelings more than my own most of the time and will practically paralyze myself if I feel what I’m about to do will make someone feel a certain way. I have talked about this with my therapist, my husband, and the people I am closest to, and I feel more at peace with my decision. I don’t like having people on my page that I feel obligated to have on my page when they share very ignorant and a lot of the time toxic content because of attachment issues. I don’t like having people watch my page because they disagree with me and spitefully begin interacting with my content because they believe it will get my attention. I don’t like having people on my page who have never had anything to do with what goes on in my life and choose to only step in on big moments to congratulate me. I don’t like feeling like I have people who watch my page in silence just to use it as ammo and talk to other people about me.

This isn’t to say that making new social media pages will prevent people from doing these things if I decide to have another public page. Still, I will feel less inclined to accept certain people to my pages and better about my attachment issues because I will have ripped the band-aid off. In other words, I will see who I resonate with in a clearer light and feel better about leaving others behind. I can start the type of content I want to create from scratch and make new memories without certain memories (that I still seem to be deleting) I don’t want to pop up getting in the way.

A fresh start to me says I’m allowed to continue my self-discovery journey and make no apologies. A fresh start says that whoever sees the person I am in this moment in a new light with no past memories attached can either accept that person or move forward. I’m no longer here to feel like I will disappoint everyone. I’m no longer here to feel like I do everything wrong because my boundaries are not respected, but I have to respect everyone else’s. I’m no longer saying “yes” to just anyone being in my space. I am, however, saying “yes” to myself, taking up space and enforcing said boundaries, and cutting connections as needed so that I can grow and develop properly and have the right people in my life.

This may sound silly because social media is just a little pastime for many people, but it is my main source of connection for me. Many friends are nowhere near me now. I do school remotely and am still trying to find work remotely. I have met more people online than I have ever met and had a continuous connection in person. I am glad to have the power to control this particular space and weed people and content out as necessary. I just need to learn to be more comfortable with it.

Ultimately, we are in charge of who we allow into our lives, who is allowed to see us past our walls, and who we allow to talk to us and how they do so. Who is in your circle? How do they affect you? Can you be your true self around them without fear of judgment? Can you confide in them without fear of gossip occurring when you turn your back? Consider these things when you look at your friend group. You may not have to agree on everything, but if values or how you see treating people are also contradicted, they may not be as safe of a space as you thought they once were.